My Ego, My Self
For years I have seen myself in the context of my position, appearance, and accomplishments as well as the numerous awards, recognition and milestones I have achieved so far. The sweeping review of the hundreds of events organized and hosted by Guitarmonk throughout the years have continuously contribute significant developments in my life. As much as I consider myself deserving to reap the fruits of my labor , be it as a material or social incentive, knowing that they are not easily achieved but rather by putting in blood, sweat and tears for years that I was finally able to achieve them.
The sense of purity always serves as an inherent superior character in me, to see others as a neophyte just when they are just trying to find and learn things in life. Though for some they want to have things not in the long process but in a shortcut. I tell myself I deserve it more, I deserve it better. I always give credit to myself for my honesty, decency, transparency, passion, commitment and intensity to every work I do. I don’t slit throats to earn my bread daily. I lost weight, sweat and worked almost 20 hours a day to get to where I am now. That’s my pride and honour. What thousands and even millions of musicians have not achieved given their age and generations in their families and what award winning musicians have not done that may have contributed to my success. The universe has blessed me beyond what I have expected. Now, I crossing 500+ centres nationwide, and was given opportunities to be part of national and international concepts and world records. And most importantly, I have touched the lives of thousands of people through Guitarmonk programs across the world.
And with my ownership of merit, comes my hidden ego, and that possessiveness, which for the last 23 years of life of working and earning money, starting from Rs. 50/session to Rs.2 lakh/hour is what I earned and made me give away half almost half of my life in return.
VALUE OF HEART
After working two decades of my life, with every passing year, that I came to realize that I won’t be forever young. I contemplated on up to what extent or value will all these achievements give me in the long run. It won’t buy me my youth, my time nor the lost days of my lifetime. I don’t need a million clap to applause me, I need the one to erase me, one that will turn me into an invisible smoke that will disappear into thin air. That’s the time where I will no longer need the hard work to make people come and listen to me as I continue to build my wealth each day. But now, I just want to search for that one ear, and through that broken guitar that connects the broken notes perhaps have made me realized the value of passing life, of passing time, of passing my youth ….
From the thirst of my body to the temple of my longing heart and my journey of 23 years of hard work, I finally felt ready to be thrown away like a useless stone into the abysmal hole. Along with my pride, ego, vanity, and achievements, to fully succumb to the ocean of retreat in exchange for that most valuable things in life, for peace, for love. And be ready to rest in peace for the first and the last time at the ocean floor, like never again like never before, flowing gradually into the ocean as I become one with nature, free from any form or representation.
Until comes a sudden explosion, and everything disappears. My invisible heart exposed out into the ocean asking me the ultimate sacrifice for the price of my living is to give it all up, to even give up the emotions, in complete surrender.